Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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