you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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