He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
