wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
