I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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