I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
