can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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