So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize