he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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