hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
