got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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