i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
