she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
