Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
