there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
