home. puking in laundry basket.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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