yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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