FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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