I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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