I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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