rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
