The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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