Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
