She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He felt like a one man threesome
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
