Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
