I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
