Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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