life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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