It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
