I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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