he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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