Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
