even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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