nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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