it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
