I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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