You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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