Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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