I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just jacked off to nostalgia.