You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...