i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies