If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.