Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.