I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
