Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
