Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
