i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
