the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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