my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
