I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
