Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
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Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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