I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
