I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
