my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
