Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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