I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
