***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
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