My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
His hands were made for my vagina.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
