someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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