I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
